Resting...and inward focus

As I sit at my computer at 4:30am, I was awakened by thoughts of the previous days events.  I was taken to task about my “lack of participation” in my work, at work.  I’ve reached what I would call an apathy state there - so many things I have to do to keep ahead of the game there: all the competition, all the keeping the numbers rising game, etc.  And I’m tired.  My vacation was a time for total rest, plus a health scare.  That scare, although things are fine, got me to see that I am indeed getting older, and things are happening to my body that I don’t particularly like.  And now I deal with this feeling of not participating in my existing life in the same way.  I am going within, quite a bit, and wanting time alone, at home.  Interesting, the “have-to’s” in life, just don’t seem to matter, right now.  I know that I could likely turn all that around at work, but frankly, its not important to my growth anymore.  Been there, done that.  I am not one that looks to be Number One - I just want that for my own life. 

This is my upcoming transit of Saturn into the 4th (and Saturn transiting over Neptune, too) - where I go within and take emotional stock of my life.  It is rather hard to explain this to my employer, who seems to want more and more of me, every minute.  I don’t have it to give to them, and so, this might mean things will change in that arena - perhaps sooner than later.  However, I cannot run away from myself and my desires, which will, I am certain, come more to light in the next few months, as Saturn egresses into my own inner domocile.  I am keenly aware that more illusions will fall, but welcome the clarity Saturn will bring to this part of my life, even if it is difficult.  I feel this funny urge to connect with children - I chose not to have kids this lifetime - perhaps to find an inner child I need to adopt during these more serious, adult times.  To find laughter and fun, in the middle of the difficult hours.